New laptop

Okay, so I’ve been late in posting about my new laptop… It’s not the specification I originally wanted, but it’s still great:

HP Pavilion DV9820EA (Also apparently the dv9000 and dv97000 according to the laptop… How very confusion… How very HP)

• AMD Turion 64 X2 2.0GHz (1600MHz FSB [woo, double the standard FSB], 512Kb+512Kb L2 cache [Okay, lesser than normal, but the FSB will EASILY make up for it])
• 3Gb DDR2 667MHz PC2-5300 RAM (now upgraded to 4Gb, Samsung brand)
• 250Gb SATA2 HDD (with a spare HDD bay)
• nVidia GeForce 8400 GS (256Mb dedicated GDDR2 RAM)
• DVD+/-RW (with LightScribe)
• 17″ WXGA+ HD (1440×900 resolution)

It really is quite nice… Sadly it has Vista on, and will remain to have this vile and vulgar OS until the Unreal Tournament 3 Linux Client is released. BAH.

These are the days…

Okay, so there are a few things to cover… One of which I forgot in the last blog.

After the bi-weekly shop at Tesco we found some drunk girls messing around with trolleys… I manage to persuade Jake to push me around in one, were discovered by the girls and had a bit of fun totalling trolleys playing Chicken, etc. Most amusing and very me

The laptop I wanted to get is unavailable… I’ll be looking at others tomorrow with Dave, my ex.

On a good note, David came over yesterday to watch LotR with me and Jake (it was Jake’s persistence that made me ask… So thanks Jake :D), it was definitely worth it… We wandered around Chatham looking in Game and Gamestation for a little while, before standing over Pentagon Court in the Pentagon watching people and having a laugh. Got back home and put LotR FotR (Disc 1) on and watched that with David while Jake played Ragnarok.

According to Jake, David kept looking at me and we were apparently walking close enough that we could have held hands… I kinda wish I had, honestly… I ran my finger along his hand later on though, when I saw what he did to it… And fluffled his hair a little hehe… Jake reckons that David wants me to give him a hug too (because he pauses before we part ways).

Well, I can’t deny I that I like David, nor that I want to hug him, hold his hand, etc He is a lovely character, great personality… I enjoy conversing with him and generally enjoy his company.  I’ll have to try and not freak out and just hug him :

On a bad note Jake returns home tomorrow… Will be sad to see him go, but he said he’d (probably) be back for the last 3 weeks of summer holiday. He’s also said he’s going to see Martin, even if it makes him homeless… While I respect his decision, I don’t want to see him homeless and I’ve told him so. I’d happily host him if he were made homeless - I’d make Father agree to it too, in any way I can. I wouldn’t be much of a friend otherwise, would I?

Dear Diary…

Past couple of days have been a bit of mixed feelings… Dave visited, which was nice… Jake and I were looking forward to his visiting.

He told us about his meeting up with a new friend - Chris… They had a nice time apparently and did a bit of hand-holding (bless!). Then I heard him say something that really really hurt… He loves someone else. Yeah, I know I’m not his bf any more… But we split on good terms and I still love him to bits… So it hurt.

Today, a few minutes ago he says that Chris is his new bf… Which really hurt even more. But I guess it forces me to move on now… But to what?

Other bad news is my shoulder is seizing up… My stomach hurts and my hayfever has been playing up badly… After two Apple Shotz I’m not in utter agony… My stomach feels like it’s in an incinerator and the pain isn’t going away *cwies*

Good news: I’m getting a new laptop (Acer Aspire AS8920G-834G32Bn)… It’s spec as follows:

• Intel Core 2 Duo T8300 2.4GHz (800MHz FSB, 3Mb L2 Cache)
• 4Gb DDR2 SDRAM
• 320Gb 5400RPM HDD
• NVIDIA GeForce 9500 GS (512Mb dedicated GDDR2 RAM)
• 18.4″ HD WUXGA CineCrystal TFT (1920×1080 resolution)
• Fingerprint reader, wireless (Intel 4956AGN [Draft 'N' specification]), Bluetooth

And now for the pictures:

Awesome isn’t it?

R.I.P. Chris

Yesterday I received an email that I had been dreading coming for a few months now. But I wasn’t expecting it this soon. My friend Chris Hemsley, who had been fighting lung cancer, passed away.

He hasn’t been in a good state for a while now, he spent alot of time house-bound and in his bed. Jean (his Mum) went to check on him around 5ish, to see if he was resting well, to find he had past away while sleeping.

I can’t describe how I feel, other than utterly devastated. I had planned to visit him in a few days time to help cheer him up.

I had no chance to say goodbye to him… We thought he had a couple of months left… I’m going to miss him so much… He was a good friend (and a damn fine Airsofter!).

I’m relieved that he passed away peacefully though. He suffered alot of pain recently… I’m glad he’s been spared of any more.

Honestly I’m a tad too devastated to say too much, so I’m going to leave it there.

Goodbye, my friend. You’ll be greatly missed.

Ambivulance…

I’ve been rather confused by my feelings the last few days… I’ve had Jake and his boyfriend Martin around, which is great… We’ve had fun and I’ve probably made a terrible first impression to Martin, but that’s just me as per usual.

I’ve done fairly well at disguising any anguish, upset, etc that I’ve felt, I think, because I didn’t want to upset or irritate either of them… But things have been really gnawing away at me and I’m having greater difficulty hiding things. I don’t have any outlet and I don’t want to burden anyone by talking… So I have to bottle everything and hope that sometime soon I do find an acceptable outlet that doesn’t involve anyone else.

Jake says he’ll be returning again (hopefully soon), which is great… But I’m worried that I might drag him down, which I don’t want. I’m doing my best to enjoy myself, despite everything eating at me… I want to enjoy myself without any issues, but that’s just not going to happen. That doesn’t mean I don’t Jake to come back - I do want him to, if it’s what he wants.

What concerns me most is what other burdens I might encounter… So far I’m still coping with splitting up with Dave… Or rather, not coping at all… My guinea pigs died the yesterday, which really hit me… I loved them to bits… So I’ll have to really cherish Emily (my bunny) now, I think. I’m just waiting to see what else happens next to drag me down yet further.

I’m not looking forward to lack of company… I feel 10x worse than when I have company… I don’t feel right watching anything, I don’t feel right gaming… There’s no one I can have decent or funny conversation(s) with… There’s no where for me to go that feels right alone. I feel lost, depressed and just generally terrible.

I honestly feel like just going to sleep and not getting out of bed… I don’t see any good reason why I should… Yet somehow I manage to drag myself up and get washed and dressed each day… Just to the usual routine… Maybe something to eat, then on my laptop mostly… Maybe a little television or a video or DVD. Same  endless pattern, which seems unbreakable unless I have company, which is incredibly rare.

I’d love to go on more walks with David, or watch films with him, get to know him better, etc. He’s really good company and I enjoy being around him thoroughly… But I’m worried I’d just be an irritation by asking him out more often. I wish I were nearer to Jake, since I value him greatly and I know it’s not nice travelling down here (or being here for that matter) for him, I should try and travel up there more, I think. Jon is a great friend, though I don’t see him often, despite being fairly near… I think he can do far better than myself for company - his friends seem more interesting, more fun and enjoy life more than I do. I feel like nothing in comparison to them, or anyone for that matter.

Meh. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Fed up.

I’m sick and tired now. I’m fed up of being taken for granted. I’m sick and tired of such simple requests being ignored.

From now on I’m having a Zero Tolerance attitude. Step out of line and there will be no warning. You go straight on my bad list and I will make it known and very clear that you’ve pissed me off. I won’t forget or forgive easily either. Regardless of your association with me. There’s no fucking excuse.

I’m not here to be fucked around with. I’m not here to be taken for granted. Those who want help better have at least a little fucking consideration. I’m a fucking human being too, you know?

Ignorant selfish fucking idiots.

DON’T FUCKING PISS ME OFF.

Idiotic sister.

I’m getting sick and fucking tired of being treated like shit. If someone asks for my help, they should at LEAST listen to me.

My sister asks me today what an SD card is. So I tell her it means “Secure Digital”. She waits as if expecting more, so I explain there are two common formats: MiniSD and MicroSD. I asked her what it was for, so she told me it was for her camera.

I asked to see her camera so I could tell her what type of SD she’d need, so she hands me a piece of paper with instructions in a huff saying “Obviously I can’t read”. At which point I think fuck this and say “Do you want my help? If you shut up and listen, or don’t bother asking.” So she storms off in a mood.

Next time she asks for help, I’ll tell her to fuck off. I’m not going to help people if they’re not even going to listen at all to what I say. It’s a waste of my time. She can go and learn it all herself, since she clearly knows more, obviously, since she’s asking for help.

What a stupid fucking idiot.

Two whom I’ll never forget

I’ve been thinking alot about a couple of people who used to be very important to me, both of whom I lost.

Grandpa

First, and most important to me was my Grandpa. He was a great man, very intelligent, witty and caring. He always had time for his family and his grandchildren.  Whenever I went to visit him, we would always play Bach’s Toccata and Fugue together, from the age of 5 onwards. I became obsessed with the tune after watching 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

I remember him reading my the story of the Ants and the Grasshopper, many times. He told it so well.

I remember going to the beach with him in Devon with a packed lunch. We found this enormous mound that was essentially a hill, which we both climbed. We sat there eating cheese and lettuce sandwiches (I never had cheese and lettuce together in a sandwich before. Lesley, my grandma, kinda made them for us). After finishing out lunch, we realised the tide had already started coming in, so we rushed down before we were too late. We ended up with wet shoes and socks… It was a sandy beach too (which I despise), so I had sand clinging everywhere for the rest of the day.

I remember going to Marwood Gardens with him. I met Doctor Smart when I was young, and I introduced myself: “Hello, Doctor Smart. I’m William. This is my Grandpa, and this is my Lesley” (I had a hard time accepting Lesley was her name, not a title like Grandma).

I remember his 75th Birthday Party, the last one I ever went to. The family were in the garden, a beautiful garden it was, with an amazing range of colours and flowers. We had a buffet. We played Charades and Grandpa was incredibly silly when it was his turn.

I remember on all our walks he always used to pretend he was a helicopter with his keys.

My Grandpa was scientist and a linguist. He always had time for me. He never once showed anything other than affection for me. He always made me smile and laugh.

Just before losing Grandpa, mum said he was a little ill and wanted to record me at choir. She came along to choir one even and recorded the whole session, along with a concert we sang a week later. It was one of the last things he apparently listened to, before passing on.

I was only 14 when I lost Grandpa. I had just got back to school, after two weeks off suffering from mumps. Four days into being back at school, I came home on the Thursday to be told after changing into my everyday wear that Grandpa was terminally ill. But we’d be going to see him soon. The following Thursday, after changing again, my brought my sister into my room and sat us on the bed. She sat there for a minute, visibly struggling to say something. Eventually she just said “You’re Grandpa has died. He passed away just over a couple of hours ago.”

The next week I didn’t, couldn’t work. I sat in my lessons feeling utterly devoid. I believe I even outright told a teacher to “fuck off” when she tried to coax me into working.

Grandpa’s funeral is the hardest thing I had to bare with. I walked into the chapel, to hear Ныне отпущаеши (киевского роспева), “Lord, Now Lettest Though” (Kiev Chant). To this day I cannot listen to this piece without being brought to tears.

James McBrior

My best friend, throughout school. He was incredibly silly, very witty and daft. He had the ability to make me laugh no matter what mood I was in. We were close enough that we often called each other brothers. We did everything together.

I envied James in alot of ways. We were in constant competition with alot of things, jokingly. I knew he was smarter by far, but he was never condescending to me. On several occasions he tried convincing me he was equal to me.

James was the first gay friend I had. He came out to me quite early and thanks to him I gradually got used to knowing I was too. I didn’t come out until after he passed though. But he knew, he always knew.

He could see right through me like I was glass. I couldn’t hide a thing from him. He knew when I was upset or angry before I even knew myself. He’d always stand up for me, and I for him.

James died before me. He was stabbed three times, in the back, while we were out at a Metallers Club. I watched it happen, I watched him die and I couldn’t do anything. There we no final words, nothing whispered in my ear when he died. He just slipped into unconciousness and passed on, with me crying over him. But I started to get my own back. Before the police arrived I laid into the guy who stabbed him like nothing before. I kicked, I punched, I hit him over the head with a bottle and I just kept going until I got restrained for my own good. He took from me my friend and my brother. And I still feel he should pay the price for what he did.

I didn’t have many people I could truely could call friends. They all seemed to cast me away when it suited them. But not him. Never.

Both these people were very dear to me, both of them I’ll never forget. I’ll never be quite who I was without them in my life anymore.

I feel like shit.

Yup, it’s time for one of these blogs. I can’t be bothered, but I’ll try anyway.

I feel utterly horrendous. As much as I like solitude, I seem to get stuck with it the times that I’m after company. So what do I do? I have no fucking idea. I try gaming, nope… That bores me… I’ll watch television… Shit, there’s fuck all on. Let’s try developing… No, sod that, not in the mood, I won’t get anything done.

I want to just sleep nonstop, that way I won’t feel bored. I won’t feel lonely. I won’t feel depressed.

Sure, I could go to the Tavern or whatnot… But that’s not company, that’s just walking into a rabble where I don’t want to be. So, that’d be more torture, and I’m not in the mood for making things worse for myself.

On top of that, I have to put up with my Father’s blathering. He just talks shit, about absolutely anything. It’s not talking, it’s idle talking. Talking for the sake of talking… Something I utterly despise. Not only that, but everything comes with a fucking detailed explanation. It’s fucking insulting. Generally I know why this does that, I don’t need to be fucking told. Then on TOP of that, if he’s been drinking, it’s said three times over. I FUCKING HATE IT.

I miss having a boyfriend. Dave was someone I could care for and love. Which helped me alot. Being able to feel for another makes all the difference to me. On top of that, he provided a welcome distraction from everything. Being able to drop everything to focus on one person really helped me. It helped break things up. Gave me reason to do things. Now I don’t have that anymore, so I don’t feel I have as much reason to work, as much reason to game and I’m bereft of being able to care for and love someone. It’s not pleasant to deal with, it really isn’t.

Usually I put everyone before myself… But my cousin said I should think about myself first for once… Perhaps I should. But that would make me feel like I’m being selfish, and I can’t do that.

I feel bored. I feel tired. I feel isolated and lonely. I feel so fucking depressed, and I’m not using that word lightly.

I think I’m done for now.

Giving 100% at work

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

Look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it’s the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.